People only start talking about self-care when they are already exhausted

People rarely come into workshops saying: 

“I want to learn about self-care because life feels balanced and manageable.” 

Most arrive exhausted, they are caring for everyone else, firefighting problems, managing pressure, carrying responsibility and quietly pushing themselves beyond what is sustainable. 

In health, education, social care and fostering, this becomes normalised so quickly that many people stop recognising the warning signs altogether. 

People often adapt to stress so well that exhaustion starts to feel “normal.” They tell themselves: 

“I’m just busy.” 

“It’s only a tough week.” 

“Everyone feels like this.” 

“I just need to get through this month.” 

But constant survival mode has a cost. 

Sometimes the signs are subtle at first: 

• Becoming more irritable or emotional than usual 

• Feeling detached or numb 

• Struggling to switch off mentally 

• Forgetting small things 

• Losing patience more quickly 

• Finding no real enjoyment in days off 

• Waking up tired even after sleep 

• Constantly feeling “behind” 

• Avoiding messages or tasks because everything feels overwhelming 

• Functioning professionally while quietly struggling personally 

One foster carer recently said during a workshop: “I didn’t realise how tired I was until someone asked me how I was really doing.” That stayed with the whole room. 

Another participant said: “I thought I was coping because I was still getting everything done.” That is something many professionals relate to. 

High functioning does not always mean healthy. 

The S.M.I.L.E. Framework™ reminds us that self-care is not something you earn once you are broken. It is something that helps stop people reaching breaking point in the first place. 

S – Stress & self-care 

Recognising stress earlier rather than waiting for crisis point. 

M – Management 

Managing time, boundaries, expectations and emotional load more realistically. 

I – Inevitability 

Accepting that emotionally demanding work will affect us sometimes because we are human, not because we are failing. 

L – Lucrative living 

Remembering that a meaningful life is not just about productivity, it is also about well-being, relationships, rest and fulfilment. 

E – Energising practices 

Building small daily habits that help restore energy before complete depletion happens. 

One thing people often discuss in workshops is guilt. 

• Guilt about resting. 

• Guilt about boundaries. 

• Guilt about saying no. 

• Guilt about not doing “just one more thing.” 

However, exhaustion is not a badge of honour. Burning yourself out does not make you more caring, more professional or more committed. Many people wait until they are physically or emotionally overwhelmed before they take themselves seriously. Sometimes self-care becomes an emergency response instead of an everyday practice. 

Helpful reminders: 

• Drink water before the fifth coffee 

• Take your lunch break away from your desk if possible 

• Go outside for five minutes between meetings 

• Stretch your shoulders and unclench your jaw 

• Stop apologising for having boundaries 

• Rest before your body forces you to 

• Notice what you stop doing first when stress builds up 

• Pay attention to how often you say “I’m fine” automatically 

• Stop answering emails at 10pm 

• Protect one small part of the day that belongs only to you 

• Ask yourself: “What do I need today?” not just “What do I need to get done?” 

• Learn the difference between tiredness and emotional depletion 

• Remember that being needed constantly can become addictive 

• Check in with yourself the same way you check in with other people 

• Notice who only hears from you when you are coping well 

• Small pauses still count as recovery 

• You do not have to earn rest by reaching complete exhaustion first 

One activity we sometimes do in workshops is asking people to identify their “early warning signs.” 

For some people it is: 

• Becoming quieter 

• Snapping at loved ones 

• Doom scrolling late at night 

• Skipping meals 

• Overworking 

• Cancelling plans 

• Feeling emotionally flat 

• Losing motivation for basic tasks 

Stress leaves clues before burnout arrives. 

A little humour from a recent session: Someone described self-care as: 

“Buying a candle while crying into a spreadsheet.” 

Honestly, many people nodded. 

Another participant added: “My self-care currently consists of sitting in the car in silence before I go into the house.” Again, half the room agreed. 

Sometimes humour is how exhausted people survive difficult seasons. 

Useful reminders from workshop discussions: 

• You cannot pour from an empty cup forever 

• Rest is productive when your nervous system is overwhelmed 

• Boundaries protect good workers from becoming depleted workers 

• Self-care is not always glamorous, sometimes it is simply eating properly, sleeping enough and saying no 

• Emotional exposure in caring professions is inevitable 

• Sustainable caring requires sustainable support 

• Looking like you are coping and actually coping are not always the same thing 

Useful reading: 

• “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers” – Robert Sapolsky 

• “The Compassion Fatigue Workbook” – Françoise Mathieu 

• NHS Every Mind Matters resources 

• “Burnout” – Emily and Amelia Nagoski 

Short videos worth watching: 

• Brené Brown on burnout and boundaries 

• Dr Julie Smith videos on stress and emotional exhaustion 

• TED Talks on compassion fatigue and emotional well-being 

One final reminder from the S.M.I.L.E. Framework™ workshops: 

People often wait for permission to slow down. Sometimes the permission has to come from ourselves first. 

So how about a small call to action to help prevent this... Notice for yourself ... What is one thing you stop doing when stress builds up?  

Make your Self-care Inevitable!